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 Since we've discussed some weighty topics lately, I thought it was time for some fun. I'm off to visit with family for the next 3 weeks. I'm so excited to have some play time with my nieces and nephews. Woohoo! When was the last time you went skipping with your girlfriends? It might be a bit silly but I'd be willing to bet it will get your endorphins doing backflips. Have you ever taken the time to turn "work" into fun? Please take a moment and watch the video below. It's a simple concept called the fun theory. The video highlights an elaborate project but I believe the idea is something simple we could use in our daily lives. I'm guessing the next time I have a difficult task to accomplish, I could use the fun theory. Would you be willing to sprinkle your daily tasks with some fun? If you need some help with ideas of the "how-to" of making work fun, just ask a 7-year old how they would do it. I know from my vast experience working with children and youth - they are experts on making "work" fun. Here's some questions for you to contemplate: Is fun a priority in your life? How much fun have you had in the last week? Are you due for some fun? How can you incorporate some fun into your work day? I'm off to have some fun ~ See you in a couple of weeks. =) Cindy
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 This summer there’s been a “war” raging within my mind and soul. It’s taken up quite a bit of space on my mental hard drive. I don’t have the time right now to share all of the details (remember brevity is the goal today) but I will in due time. I won some significant battles in this war last week. I want to tell you about the battle of the “D” words vs. the “R” words. At the beginning of last week, the “D” words had taken up camp within my soul. It started with doubt, then found its way to disappointment which led to discouragement, and finally capped itself off with defeat and despair late Monday night. Luckily, the mind trip stopped before destruction came. What led me down those D roads was the noise and clamor of the “enemy” (see footnote) ~ shouting lies at every bump in the road. The clamor was ear-piercing and overpowering. Even though I’ve gotten pretty skilled at recognizing the lies and denouncing them during this battle the lies raged on. With each twist and turn in this maze of D words, the tears welled up. I went to sleep with a heavy heart and a little bit mad at myself for not being able to rise above those silly little lies. I’m here to tell you those silly little lies seemed like huge, scary monsters that wanted to devour all that I had to give. Oh the power of those D words - give them an inch and they take a mile. Well, here’s where the battle was won. Early Tuesday morning, I intentionally sat down and invited stillness. I retreated to my safe place where truth abides. I got cozy and stayed a while. I let the truth sink into my being...and guess what sprang up? A wellspring of refreshing water that poured over me reviving me and bringing rejuvenation. The cool waters are still flowing a week later - ahhh, the revitalization. What I learned from this battle: D words are real and they do have power. D words will take up residence if I let them. I don’t like D words ~ doubt, discouragement, destruction, devour, defeat, disappointment, destroy, and despair. If I don’t fight back, D words will threaten to take control. Girlfriends can help dethrone D words. Being still in your safe place can bring the battle with the D words to an end. Real truth denounces the D words. R words are good for the soul. I love R words ~ retreat, refresh, rejuvenate, revive, refuel, and revitalize. I want R words to reside within me. R words don’t come easily but when we intentionally allow truth to reside within the confines of our mind, body and soul ~ R words will move in, too. R words are worth fighting for. Today’s contemplation is a bit lofty and metaphorical but I hope it resonates. I’ve got some questions for you: Where do you find your truth? Where is your safe place? Do you take to be still? R words Rule, Cindy Footnote = The “enemy” within this context is any thought that is against us and the good we are moving towards.
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On the radio this week we talked about moving beyond brokenness - the place where obstacles, challenges, doubt, discouragement and loss happen. We've all been there - maybe still are! It's a place that haunts and distracts us from pursing our dreams and passions. It's a place that can sidetrack us and it's inevitable. While traveling this summer I toured the home of Abraham Lincoln and experienced the Lincoln Museum. Now, as far as museums are concerned this one exceeds expectations and sets the standard. It vividly and innovatively reminded me that nothing remarkable happens in life without sacrifice, setbacks, criticism and heartache. (Am I depressing you yet?) Lincoln's accomplishments and legacy are off the charts but his day to day life was less than utopia. Brokenness happens. Moving beyond it towards remarkable is a choice and an action. that starts with a small step. Lisa
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Are you out of practice? Do you even know how? It's a tiny two-letter word. When was the last time you said no and meant it? It was probably the first word you used - and used often - after you learned ma-ma and da-da. Do you know any two-year-olds? Having observed many, I have no doubt that "NO" is their favorite word. Why do some of us have such a hard time saying it now? Two-year-olds make it clear as day what they want and what they don't want by using their new found word, "NO". I'm thinking it's because they haven't been introduced to the word "SHOULD" yet - a word that gets some of us in trouble, hmm? I had my first cognizant lesson with the word "No" when I was in college. I won't go into details to protect the "innocent" but someone I loved said, "No" to a simple request I had made of them. A huge fight ensued (in retrospect the biggest spectacle, I mean fight of my life, and yet it was over something seemingly ridiculously simple). Let's just say I was not at my "prettiest" that evening. Oh my! It ended up being a pivotal moment in my life's learning because the next day I visited our women's counseling center on campus and spoke with one of my mentors. I recounted the tale of the previous night's events. She asked me this question, "What did that NO say to you?" My answer was a bit slow in coming but very profound, "It meant he didn't love me." She put it in crystal clear perspective for me. The simple no to my simple request = I was not loved. Wow. That was so NOT true but that's what I had internalized somewhere along the way (I know where). When someone said NO to me, it meant that they didn't love me. If you ask me today, that's a bit messed up. Yes and No help us set our boundaries. They help define what is and what is not me. Yes and No help us let others know what we want and need. They have the power to protect us. They aid us in keeping the good in and the bad out. That is if we know how to use them and we are not in the presence of boundary violators. (I will address boundary violators at a later date). Some of us were gifted with parents and teachers along the way that set and modeled healthy boundaries for us. Some of us weren't so lucky. Some of us learned well, others didn't - due to our unique environments and circumstances. I'm writing today - not to pass out judgment or to say I've become the expert - I am not. I'm on my life-long journey of learning the power of personal boundaries. What I have learned is that boundaries are so important that I wish each of us were required to take a course on healthy boundaries in high school. Boundaries, healthy or not, really are a part of the fabric of our society. I believe strongly that emotions and boundaries are gifts given to us by our Creator to help us navigate life, an internal radar system of sorts. I whole-heartedly have a passion to help women, who want and need the help, learn to say NO to the unwanted and the unneeded in their lives (the not so best stuff) and say YES to the best (what is vitally important to our values, desires and needs). Before diving any further into the content of this contemplation, I must write this disclaimer first. I've done some research, personally learned the hard way, and presented a number of workshops on the subject of healthy boundaries. I wanted to read through my files first, but decided it was best to write from the heart today. Emotional boundaries deal with stuff that is unseen. It's not easy to write about healthy boundaries without wanting to write another hundred different caveats to each interaction. Please be patient with the process of reading this. Please be wise. Boundaries are not black and white. Healthy boundaries look different for each and every one of us and we have different healthy boundaries for each person we know. Suffice it to say, it's a "sticky" subject. It's a subject that goes to the depths of our core and, for a few of us reading this, it might bring up some uncomfortable (if not unsafe) places within us. If this is the case for you, please call or email me and I will confidentially help you find the resources and referrals you need. My hope today is to touch the surface and provide some clarity to the question of Yes and No. I'm going to say something really important right now. It's the gem within this contemplation. Please pay attention. "Yes and No are neither 'good or bad' words." Did you take that in? Sit with that. Take time to ponder it. They are definitive words. They are oh so helpful in letting us communicate with others what are real needs and wants are. If we misuse these words, we send out mixed messages. Have you ever said yes to something you really didn't want to do or didn't have the energy to do? The message you sent was "I'd love to do that for you. I'm ready to do that. I have the time, resources, and energy to do that." Yet, when we say yes to something we have no real business saying yes to - I'm guessing we don't show up with our yes face on (unless we've become skilled at hiding our true feelings). We show up with our NO posture or persona and make others feel a bit confused. It's not really fair, is it? I bet you've been on the receiving side of a yes that was really a no - it's no fun. Sometimes it's actually worse than if they had "JUST SAID NO." I've got bunches o' stories about healthy boundaries and the lack there of - but I'll stop here and get to some action because what's important is to hold up the mirror and look at our own examples - I know you have stories to tell. So, how do we become skilled at knowing when it's BEST to say Yes and when it's BEST to say No. I have some simple tips that have helped me along the way. 1) Before you say Yes to anything - I mean ANYTHING, say "Let me think about it and get back to you." Give the person who made the request the time and date you will get back to them with an answer. I know this might seem a little overboard, but I'm telling you it works. We run into problems when we say Yes to every good thing that is requested of us. Contrary to our gender bias, we can't be wonder woman to everyone. If the person making the request says they need your answer now, say I can't give you a Yes right now. I'll back you up on this. If they persist (because some will), say "No" and call a trusted friend that can help you process through that kind of "bullying". I know I'm using strong words here, but as we learn to take good care of ourselves, we must employ some mama bear tactics. 2) Once you've said I'll get back to you...these are the questions (3-9) you can ask yourself when you have some quiet "me" time (while driving, while in the shower, before you get out of bed in the morning, over a "me" coffee break or by taking a 10 minute walk - a "taking care of me walk" for when the requests pile up). 3) What have I already committed to (Where have I already said Yes)? 4) Do I honestly have the emotional energy, resources and time to say Yes? 5) What will I have to say No to, if I say Yes to this? 6) Does saying Yes or No align with my values, my heart, what's important to me, what I want and/or what I need? 7) Does saying Yes or No move me forward toward my goals? 8) What will be the implications/ramifications of saying Yes or No? 9) What's best for my big picture - saying Yes or saying No? 10) After contemplating these questions and knowing what's best for you - go back to the person who made the request and give them your heart-felt Yes or No. What to do when saying No is hard? 1) Call a trusted friend and ask them to hold you accountable to your answer. 2) Practice saying No with a coach or trusted friend first. 3) Practice saying No in the mirror (let your true feelings come to the surface - What are you feeling? What do you need to heed? What do you need to let go of? 4) Remember you've already gone through the steps and discovered what's best for you and for the person that made the request of you. 5) If saying No is too hard and you can't do it on your own - please don't beat yourself up over it - please email me or call me and we can discuss it. Do you want what's best? Which of these steps will be helpful to you? Let's take our cues from the two-year-olds and season it with the maturity of knowing what's really best for us. Thank you for going here with me today. It's not always easy to make some needed changes, but girlfriend I'm here to tell you it's always worth it. On the journey, Cindy One resource book that has been invaluable to me that’s written with such clarity: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
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 The truth will set us free! The lies that hold us back from becoming who we were made to be. The lies that keep us from doing the great things we were created to do. The lies that bind us to our past - These lies are our captivity! As we approach Independence Day, I've been doing some contemplating on my freedom and yours. We are on our road to freedom. Did you know that our road to liberty has some boulders in the way? You guessed it - those darn lies can be huge blocks that hinder us from moving forward. I'm compiling a list of some of the lies that line the road (if you have any others to add to the list, please email me - This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it ) : "I HAVE TO BE PERFECT." This lie is classic because if you asked us, "Are you perfect?" Our spontaneous reply would be, "No, of course not." But for those of us who are bound by this lie, we get caught up in it's snare all the time. Have you ever come away from an event and focused on the one thing that went wrong instead of celebrating all that went right? "i'm not enough." I know I don't even have to explain this one. "I'M TOO MUCH!!!" This used to be my favorite. It was my motto or so I was told...You talk too much! You love too much! You feel too much! You laugh too loud! Do you see the pattern? I'm so grateful that I became aware of this lie's hold on my life a while back...With intention, practice and the help of trusted, wise counsel I've moved this boulder off my road to freedom. " " What you couldn't read that lie? Want a hint? I used invisible ink. This lie's mode of operation is: "I don't matter". You guessed it. That's right "I'm invisible." is just another one of those lies that holds us captive. If we are going to experience freedom we have some work to do. It's time to start hauling these boulders off the road. The first step is just becoming aware of the lies. Notice when they pop up. Whenever you have a feeling of insecurity, and/or a desire to "hit yourself over the head with a rock" - recognize it. Call it out! Bring the lie out into the open. Let it know there's going to be a day of reckoning - A day when we say so long to our captors and say hello to our freedom. I dare you to get the sparklers out this weekend and declare your freedom! Wherever you are on the journey - celebrate that you are on your Villa della Liberta (this is an actual street name in Santa Margarita, Italia)! Thank you for inviting me into your life. It's an honor to walk alongside of you as we journey down the road of freedom. I'm grateful to you for affording me these freedoms along the way: a freedom to be myself a freedom to make mistakes a freedom to love well a freedom to have fun while "working" a freedom to live out the call on my life a freedom to share in the power of girlfriends Letting Freedom Ring! Cindy
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Do you have a girlfriend that you can trust with all your heart? I hope so. Mine is definitely a treasure!
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Everywhere I go, there you are staring me in the face. Literally, you’ve been the topic lately. They’re all talking about you. Why are you so elusive? No matter how old we are or how educated we’ve become, we still can’t figure you out. We’ve been given the tools and resources to find you, yet we can’t grasp a hold of you. I’ve been trained to teach others about you - I know what’s important and my resume states that I might actually be an expert on wellness (physical, emotional and spiritual). Yet, when it comes to you I’m no different than any woman I know. My girlfriend, Monica, said it this way last night, “It must be a gender thing.” Do you know who I’m talking about? We all know her. We catch glimpses of her. We get her. We know her worth. We all want to be her close friend, yet we don’t know how. Her name is self-care. Girlfriends, we are caregivers by nature and yet the one person in our life that doesn’t get the care she needs is our self. What’s up with that? I’ve got some questions for you: Have you denounced the wonder woman within you? Do you get the sleep you need? Do you have all the downtime you crave? Do you take real vacations? I’m not talking about the ones where you go visit family - I’m talking about the real ones where you sit on the beach and read a good book until you’ve soaked up enough sun so you go lay in the hammock and take a nap. The kind where you don’t have to worry about laundry, meals, or time commitments. Did you answer YES to all of those questions? If you did, I’m willing to bet you are in the minority and you need to clue us into the how of it. If you’re like me and the girlfriends I know - the wonder woman within us is alive and well or at least she’s giving it her best shot. My girlfriend, Amanda, asked me this question recently, “How can we keep the treadmill of life at a steady enough pace to keep us productive but not at the insane “10” incline and “10” pace we have it set?” Good question, Amanda. Way back when, I learned an important life principle when I was waitressing at age 20 - “If you don’t know the answer, tell them you’ll go find out and get back to them.” This principle has served me well over the years. It works. So with that said, “Amanda, I’m on it. I don’t know the answer to that question but I’ll get back to you.” I’ve started with asking my life coach, Lisa. We came up with 4 things I need to keep my pace sane this summer: No rushing - this means don’t over-schedule. Make sure I have needed “down time”. If I got home late last night, make sure I have ample “morning time”. If I’m on the road traveling heaps, make sure to schedule “home time”. So far, it’s working out pretty good. I’m feeling fairly sane. I haven’t been perfect on the over scheduling, but I’m working on it. We just spent the week in Phoenix for family and business, so I’m making sure we stay home this week and next. Although I’m here to tell you my bent is to get back on the road and go to the coast with Brad for his birthday on Monday. It’s a good thing, I’ve enlisted Brad to help me with my self-care - he graciously said, “NO!” I’m working on 2 girlfriend retreats for later this summer (a coastal weekend away complete with massages) that will address how to really take care of ourselves. If this is a topic that hits home with you, please join us. Email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it for the details. If you can’t make Less Drama’s Summer Escape 2010, you could start by reading Cheryl Richardson’s, “The Art of Extreme Self Care.” I believe Cheryl’s the real expert on this topic. Will you join me in learning the art and practice of self-care? Cheryl says this as an enticement, “The practice of Extreme Self-Care forces us to make choices and decisions that honor and reflect the true nature of our soul. While the notion of this might seem selfish or self-centered, doing so actually allows us to make our greatest contribution to the world...We naturally begin to care for others - our families, our friends and the world - in a healthier and more effective way.” Learning and Practicing, Cindy
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It didn't take us long on this earth to figure out that summer = freedom. We learned the anthem early on and can sing out loud in unison "schools out for summer". Sing with me, "schools out for summer." I see a couple of you adding your air guitars. Admit it =)
I have such fond memories - YMCA day camp, hiking in the white mountains and swimming in the lakes of New Hampshire (yes, I've swam in Golden Pond and hung out with "What about Bob?" on Lake Winnipesaukee), eating buckets and buckets of fresh peaches, gardening with my granddad and my dad wishing his kids would help him with his wally-world sized garden (that makes me giggle - it was ginormous), eating zucchini pancakes, zucchini bread and various other zucchini-laden foods because we had them coming out of our ears, teaching sailing lessons, camping along the Saco river, playing Skee-ball and Centipede at Weir's Beach, shopping for back-to-school clothes at Bon-Tons, eating Friendly's ice cream (a scoop of butter crunch with chocolate jimmies in a cup) and playing Marco Polo.
If you're like me that first year out of school when work didn't break for summer, a mild depression set in. What - no summer? No freedom from getting up early? Does anyone remember the 90's movie, "Reality Bites"? I think that says it all (although I'm feeling a bit old because I can't even remember one scene from it - yikes). Hopefully, you get my point.
Well school's out for summer and my plate seems fuller than ever. But one thing I've learned over the years is to adopt a care-free spirit for summer. It really does help. I cut down on my commitments - "don't you know school's out?". We eat light meals and play outside as the heat permits. We venture to new places and I journal. I've always journaled but never every day. So every couple of summers I choose to keep a summer journal and I write in it every day - don't worry they aren't long entries...I love to capture the moments when freedom arrives. Looking back over those summer journals and remembering what I learned even though school was technically out brings me joy.
Here's an excerpt from my "summer school" lessons last year:
Family is oh-so important to me. I don't like living so far away from family. When you're 93 years old, you've got some really interesting stories to tell and you can tell them any way you LIKE. I love my granddad. I love telling stories. Moms know interesting little details about their daughters (thanks Denise). 5 year olds are brave and undaunted and love making new friends (Cady, thank you for inspiring Aunt Cindy). "Ugly sisters" REALLY do stick together. Just BEING with girlfriends is life-giving. Best laid plans don't always work - but gratefulness always does. When you step on the brake and the hand control steps on the gas - the result is terrifying. Too many diets (money, food, friends) at one time can be draining (thanks Susan). Worrying about receiving God's provision takes away from the blessing of receiving it. Moms REALLY do love their daughters and they spend their whole being trying to prove that. Going to the lake is refreshing on all counts. 75 degrees is perfect. Concentrating on the good stuff and letting go of the bad stuff helps tremendously. Working hard produces results, sometimes you have to be patient and wait for them, though. When standing on new ground, remember your foundations. Resting in the truth is REALLY resting (the converse is true). The unexpected sometimes brings fun, unexpected surprises. Brad's family has become my family. Laughing with Brad really connects us. Cindy loves being at home.
I dare you to join me this summer. Will you adopt your own care-free spirit? Will you let go of your worries, throw on the flip-flops and set aside all that hinders you? Please leave your burdens at the back door of that metaphorical summer beach cottage. There's a basket there - they'll be well taken care of. Step out into the sand. Wiggle your toes. Be transformed. Find some kids and play Marco Polo (don't play with my niece, Victoria - she opens her eyes under water). Make a new play-list filled with songs about summer and take a road-trip with a pal. Turn the TV off, set the fans and the bug lights out on the porch and read a good chic-lit book or flip through the pages of your favorite magazines by lantern light. Invite friends over for homemade popsicles or splurge and go out for ice cream. Take a blanket out on the lawn and stargaze. You're never too old for a good game of hide and seek or sardines. CHOOSE to live free and don't forget to capture those moments - in pics, a journal or your fb status updates.
Choosing to be free, Cindy
Powerful Questions to Ponder: Describe freedom. What's one step you could take towards freedom in the next week? Define play. Wanna come out and play? Can you/Will you choose a care-free spirit this season?
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We all need a little dose of inspiration every once in a while. Here's to filling your plate with a heaping spoonful of it! I know some of you have already seen Nick in action but if you're like me he always warms your heart. Please click on the youtube link and be inspired:
Happy Sunday, Cindy
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It astonishes me sometimes just how much I’ve been able to handle. It seems as though once I’ve surpassed one obstacle, another impedes my path and I’m unable to stop it. I fall short. Or I just fall to pieces altogether. Either way, I fall. Time and time again I snuggle up in this blanket of security, fooled into this idea that I’m shielded from everything- broken promises, misconceived notions, and the connotations of words that didn’t really protrude as strongly as once thought. I think what it is is I know myself. I know what a high standard I hold myself to- to be the best all around person I know I can be. And when I fail at that, I beat myself up over it. I hold the rest of the world to these same, unattainable standards, and they fail because they aren’t as motivated as I am or see the world in the way I do. Perhaps I’m more demanding than I should be. Perhaps I’m asking too much. But when the simplest things in life make me happy- a smile, an i-understand-exactly-what-you’re-thinking glance, an old inside joke, a happy memory, or just seeing others happy- you’d think I’m not asking for a lot at all. Just for a little respect in return for all that I give. We do not realize the weight our words carry. The term love…or best friends…or a “let’s hang out!” are all weighed down with the heavy stones the meaning of the words denotes. But if there is no action behind those words, then they are literally dust. They mean absolutely nothing. But should be treated as such? If so, then is anything we say really meaningful? Can we say the words “I love you” and mean them, solely just by speaking? Or do we have to show our love? Because when I look around, we are all just empty, loaded words. And that to me seems like an anomaly, hypocrisy, and a paradox all in one.
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This came from a neighbor of mine and actually happened. Be aware girlfriends and hold on to your purses! - Patty "To all, THIS IS NOT A JOKE, NOR A CHAIN e-MAIL! I am sending this to you to let you know what happened to me yesterday. I want you to be aware and
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This one is a bit long. You might want to pour yourself a cup of tea, a tall glass of lemonade or a glass of wine, first. Then, sit back in your big comfy chair and contemplate. I have quite the gem to share with you today. I sure do hope it translates. It's called the "Hey Everyone" button. I think we'll be able to sell millions once the concept takes hold. If there's anyone out there that has some extra time (lol) and is super creative and/or tech savvy and can help me create a viral youtube for this button - let's chat. Okay, you're intrigued. I hope I didn't build this one up too much already. I have a habit of getting really excited about things but then again you already knew that. I really hope I can capture the moment and convey this message well. Maybe I already need to use my "Hey Everyone" button? Here's the back-story: Yesterday I was traveling to my Less Drama Queens of Bakersfield coaching group. It's a good drive and I was chatting on the phone with a dear friend, one of those friendships where we totally get each other and are able to be completely honest. For those of you inclined, please don't even try and guess which friend it was because I promised her I would change the names and dates and any identifying information, so as to protect her innocence. We were chatting about said "boy at work" and she was sharing her thoughts and process. Right smack dab in the middle, I called her on some of her thinking. It was here that the genius of the "personal announcement" was born. Please note at this point in my contemplation - that this forthcoming story is not really about the boy or whether or not to date him - the story is an illustration on how to use the "Hey Everyone, I have a personal announcement to make" button. My friend has just started a new job and has this "boy at work" who she thinks is fun and engages her in witty banter. She loves that - she was made for it. There IS a connection. A couple of weeks ago, she went to happy hour with the girls from work. She casually brought up his name to see what "the word on the street is." They couldn't get it out fast enough - they had some interesting details to share - suffice it all to say, they think he's weird. All of this was particularly horrifying to my friend. I encouraged her, "That's data to be filed away but you are the one that gets to decide what you think about him." After all, these ladies aren't life long buddies, she just met them. Here's an excerpt from her journal she has so graciously permitted me to share with you: So there I was, with this conundrum sitting like gooey marshmallow melted balls right in my hands. I am emailing with this guy who is asking me to join him for activities and coffee and the like, and I can tell no one about it for fear of what they'll think of me. And worse, that the rumors are true and my red flag goer-offers have been maimed and taped to my head when they should be standing straight up, detecting danger and weirdness in potential love-mates. I went to coffee with him anyway. Twice in one week as a matter of fact - one time, for an hour. We took a long walk and talked about his robot costume out in the sunshine right in the middle of the work day and we saw a black cat that looked like a tiny panther :) We got back and his team (we're all in departments that are segregated by cubicle bull-pens within walls closed in by doors - which enhance the lack of sharing information about who might be weird and who might be not) were sitting outside and all heads were pointed at us as we walked back from my car to the building. And then later, I swear I saw my coworker give him the stink eye and for the rest of the afternoon attributed her less-than-enthusiastic look with the fact that she couldn't believe I was associating with him. I wondered, about her stink eye, "What does THAT mean?" So I have been locked in a paranoia jail cell in which I think everyone is aware of my emailing and hanging out with this boy and they ALL know something I don't know and they ALL disapprove but are just waiting for me to find out on my own because there is a code of silence here where we work. I also suffer from a mild case of "I think the world revolves around me" in which I believe everyone is thinking about me all the time and all of their facial expressions and moods are directly related to me. Also, I have a horrendous and crippling fear that I never - no matter what it is - have the right outfit for the given occasion. And also that my hair will look bad. And all of these things together are why I am single...terminally. So my friend Cindy thought maybe I should make an announcement. There is an intercom system throughout our building to let you know when your clients have arrived. Maybe they'd let me use it just for a minute to clear the air and make sure we're all on the same page. But then we got to thinking it would even be better if I had my OWN intercom at my desk, so that I could use it any time I needed to make an announcement for the greater good. No wait, I could make an announcement to everyone, so they don't have to be in a bad mood just because they think maybe I'm making bad decisions about a boy I'm just trying to get to know but haven't made any commitments to, yet. It might go something like this, 'Hey Everyone: so I know you've been kinda worried about me. You didn't have to say anything; I saw it in your eyes. I'm just trying to get to know him, you know, for myself. Because I kind of have a history of letting other people make decisions for me and so this is important for me to make my own decision. So please don't worry because I'm just trying to figure it out. I am working on it. I really appreciate your concern and just wanted to let you know I can see what you're thinking and will be very careful to make good decisions and come out with a greater sense of self-efficacy. So back to work. No need to spend your whole day thinking about me and being worried that I might end up in a ditch somewhere, you know, metaphorically speaking. I know you're all wondering how someone as great as me could still be single and I really am so grateful for your concern. So that's all for now. I might announce something again later, you know, like if I suspect you might be worried that my pants are getting too tight and think I might be emotionally eating again...' And then, saying this ridiculousness out loud, it really sunk in - NO ONE IS THINKING ABOUT ME. THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT THEMSELVES AND THEIR OWN BRIMMING LIVES. I will have to say this to myself again and again and probably will have to just threaten to make a Personal Announcement when I believe the off-look in everyone's eye is directly related to me to remind myself that in fact, no, they've got their own lives to be having looks and thoughts over, and my day and existence is not at the center of everyone else's consciousness as I - in my poignant and terrified insecurity - believe it to be. I am free to live my life and explore and take risks and get to know boys and do whatever the heck else that's on my heart to do. So THANK YOU, CINDY! For encouraging the Personal Announcement button. I can already tell that intercom at my desk is going to get a lot of use." That's the illustration of how a "Hey Everyone, I have a personal announcement to make" button might be used. Do you get it? Do you have a couple of personal announcements that you could air in an attempt to keep perspective and keep your insecurities at bay? I know I do. For you concrete thinkers, please remember that this button really is metaphorical at this point - something that you get to push metaphorically speaking - and it "shares the message you're thinking" allowing you to move past the insecurity and letting you live your life in the moment. I could have used a button this weekend. I even hesitate to share with all ya'lls but ya'll tell me you love when I share from the heart (i.e. get vulnerable). So, here it goes, my button illustration: This weekend I went to this fun, intimate workout session with some girls I know well and some girls I just met (it was a bachelorette crazy fun thing ~ believe-you-me a story for another day). Some of the girls were 15 years younger than me and none had yet reached their decade of freedom (40's). We were supposed to wear yoga attire. I forgot mine, so I wore my pajama bottoms from the earlier pajama party shower - did I say it was a crazy fun day? I worked really hard at not letting my insecurities consume me. I did a pretty good job at letting them go and enjoying the moment for what it was - a fun, bachelorette moment celebrating my friend. If only my "Hey, I need to make a personal announcement" button had been created it might have made it easier to let go. This would have been my personal announcement: "Hey girls, I have a personal announcement to make. I'm so glad to be here with you celebrating our friend. I know you're wondering why I showed up in these bright colored pajamas - I know they are NOT yoga pants. I also am well aware that I'm carrying these extra few pounds but I'm working on it. I'm trying to get rid of them. I AM 44. When I was your age, I was at my healthy weight, too. I don't look as cute as you all do in your yoga pants - but I'm here to celebrate. I'm here to have fun. I know you'll like me (some of you already love me) and by the time I turn 45, I'll be much closer to that healthy weight for me. I know I'm becoming an RN and you're thinking RNs really should be healthy - I really am committed to being healthy - eating right and exercising - you should see my workout with the 50+ crowd at my gym in my po-dunk town that is not SF (it's a swim class that incorporates yoga, pilates and cardiac - it kicks my butt). I'm doing my best and I hope you can forgive my clumsiness (I used to be a cheerleader way back when). I hope now that I've cleared the air and you don't have to worry any longer about me being an unhealthy nurse who wears silly pajamas to a dance workout (I can follow directions, too) we can get on to the matter at hand. Thank you." Okay, there you have it - illustration # 2. Now, for those of you reading this that were at that event, please do not email me and say "Cindy, we love you...we weren't thinking blah, blah, blah." I know. I know. Ms. Insecurity can raise some doozies. I didn't share this moment to be encouraged by my friends. I wasn't even that consumed by my insecurities - but that unwanted friend did show up and since I'm doing the research and writing on the topic and asking each of us to say goodbye to her - I was ultra-aware of her presence (like I'm not usually - hehehe). I told this story to illustrate once again how ridiculous this thinking is that goes on in our heads. At the workout, I really was wise enough to know that every cute girl in her yoga pants was dealing with her own friend, Ms. Insecurity and was too caught up to be thinking about me and my "friend" that I had told to leave. As a fun accountability, my friend with whom I co-created the button, have decided to text each other every time we need to push the "Hey Everyone, I have personal announcement to make" button. We are hoping this will help us say goodbye to our friend, Ms. Insecurity for good. Please email or text me when you push your "Hey Everyone, I have a personal announcement to make" button. Using my button and keeping perspective, Cindy
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Oh that's right - no need for descriptions here. I'm guessing you are already well acquainted with her. Some of us know her better than others, but shall I be bold enough to say, "She's probably one of our oldest friends." She's not my constant companion any more but I must admit she shows up more often than I'd like. How close is she to you? What does she mean to you? Is she invited into your inner circle or is she only invited to the big events in your life? Let's be honest with each other, "What kind of friend has she been to you all these years?"
I don't need to tell you she's been a bad friend. Some might even tag her "abusive". I went to a women's conference two weeks ago. The "hot" topic was insecurity. Guess how many women attended the "live via satellite" event? 300,000. That's right - that many girlfriends were at least secure enough to gather and discuss their insecurities. Yay for us! It's about time we brought Insecurity's ugly self out into the open. Beth Moore was the conference speaker and is the author of the new book, "So Long Insecurity: You've been a Bad Friend to Us." I'm reading it right now (research, of course :-)). She started off the discussion with this question, "When was the last time you met up with Insecurity?" It was a "she had me at hello" moment. I literally just encountered her. I had just surveyed the auditorium looking over all the women within my view. My friend, Insecurity, needed to see if I was dressed JUST RIGHT. Then, I thought back to the evening before the conference and I had had a moment with Brad where I was questioning my security. Wow. Yikes and I consider myself to be a fairly secure, self-confident woman. If I had had two run-ins with Insecurity (that I was aware of) in less than 12 hours, this insecurity thing must be rampant, especially amongst women.
The next point Beth brought that resonated and the reason why I'm writing today was this, "NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM INSECURITY." I will say it again, "NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM INSECURITY." Think on this. Ponder it. What do you think about that? How often do you meet up with her? Is it time to say goodbye? Is it time to let this friendship go? If you're like me, you are ready. Some of us have already started on the journey to letting go of our insecurities. Letting go of Insecurity won't happen over night. It's a cultural thing. We must tackle it together. Let's meet. Let's discuss. Let's be honest with each other. We will need to be vulnerable. It will take work to truly say goodbye. But let's do it. Let's speak the truth. Let's live in the truth.
Contemplating change, Cindy
P.S. I wrote a post last August about just this thing. If you missed it and are interested, I've included this link to the archived piece, "Got Those Less Than Feelings?" Be assured that this won't be the last time you hear me spout off about this topic.
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Mother's Day is meant to be a joyous, blissful occasion spent with children, grandchildren, families. It's just not that way for so many women. I know; I spent many Mother's Days feeling guilty! I wasn't the best mom I could have been; I didn't have the best relationship with my own mom and when I began to talk about this, I found that many women felt the same way! That prompted me to write the following letter. I have literally sent this around the world for the past five years. Maybe you can relate to it; maybe you know someone who really needs encouragement. Mother’s Day. . . Pleasant or Painful? When you think of Mother’s Day, what comes to mind? Flowers? Candy? A special brunch at her favorite place? Just the right card that says exactly how you feel? Or, have you sometimes searched for a Mother’s Day card and never found one that seemed completely appropriate? For many of us, Mother’s Day brings special thoughts of a loving mom: She is always there when we need her She meets our physical and emotional needs She nurtures, inspires and encourages She is our role model; we want to be just like her! We have warm, pleasant feelings when we think of mother. That is what God wants for us: “…gentle…like a mother caring for her little children” I Thessalonians. 2:7 For others, thinking of mother brings hurt and pain. Maybe… Your mother left, or otherwise abandoned you She abused you or allowed someone else to hurt you She put her needs first and allowed your needs to go unmet Some of our mothers have failed us and we sometimes carry that hurt in the form of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. God never intended for us to be hurt by our mothers, but He wants us to forgive, just as He forgives us. “Forgive and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6:37c And many others experience profound grief and sorrow when reminded of Mother’s Day: A mother who has lost a child to death A mother who has lost a child to addictions A mother who has lost a relationship with her child A mother who has lost custody of her children A woman who has chosen abortion A woman who has suffered a miscarriage A woman who cannot conceive or carry a child A woman whose mother has died…. God knows of our hurt, pain and sorrow. He wants to bring you comfort today: “As a mother comforts her children, so I will comfort you.” Isaiah 66:13 So, celebrate this Mother’s Day by knowing that you have a heavenly parent (God) who loves you! Unconditionally, completely and eternally; and if you trust in Him, this is His promise: “never will I leave you, never will I forsake you” Hebrews 13:5
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How does an Irish poet from the early 1800's know anything about the lives of women in the 21st century? Did he time travel?
Where in your life do you need to take the time to be still? Where do you need to say no to the hustle and bustle of your own "grand central station"?
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I don't write to my blog much...only when I want to share. Today I am feeling really blessed by talent in my family. I want to share a few examples and I hope you, girlfriends, know I am not at all boasting - just sharing blessings I feel... My family recently has had to deal with some betrayal by a family member, so when you find the blessings within that, is when I really believe you begin to heal. It was a simple post on facebook that reminded me that in the midst of disappointment, there are always blessings. So it started with the daughter of my cousin, Lisa. Ellie is her name and I like to call her Miss Ellie, because she is a Texan and I grew up in the era of "Dallas". Miss Ellie was recently recognized as one of the (if not THE) best women volleyball players in Texas (it's a big state and has some awesome women). Ellie will go to college on a full scholarship - and play volleyball and I hope I see her in the Olympics and think I will. So that got me thinking. Then I have this nephew. Matt Lynn writes and performs some of the best praise music you have ever heard. He is the son of my sister, Susie. And so then Matt, has this really talented aunt - who I had no blood relative with until he was born (unless you count the bridesmaid dress) - and she - she co-founded this site and does a bunch of stuff for all of us women. Then, you know Matt has the mom who is my best friend in the whole world and happens to be my sister. Then I have another nephew who can produce music - and will - and is special to me because he shares my sensibilities - but he is musically talented too (which I wish I was but am not). Josh. I have other talented people in the family too. One guy could make any airplane in the world fly - and appropriately lives in Ohio near where the Wright Brothers did their thing. And then...my daughter. She is so smart in ways I never expected. Today she met (with a group of her students) with Justice Sotomayer. That's right - of the Supreme Court - third woman ever. She texted me to tell me that "Sonya Sodomayer" is more amazing than you can imagine. I am sure she is. I am very proud that my daughter coached a We the People, Citizen and the Constitution team to fourth in the nation, earning them a meeting with Sonya Sodomayer. There is more to the whole story, but suffice it to say that my daughter has a knowledge of constitutional law that would scare Thomas Jefferson . So today, I feel so blessed by the many talents of people who are related to me in some way or the other...I truly value their contributions here on earth - and I guess I want to just offer a prayer of thanks for having them touch my life...and for God blessing me with my connection to them.
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It's been a year since one of my dearest friends went home to heaven...Sharon Garland died on April 25, 2009. She was a fierce advocate, a lover of life, an "in your face kinda girl" and the consummate momma bear. So many memories flood my heart today like warm tears shed out of sheer joy. I loved that girl with all my heart. She made me laugh. She let me be me. She taught me the power of sharing our stories. She gave confidence a new face. Bravery was her middle name. A diamond in the rough! She was my friend, confidant, caretaker, and esteemed colleague. She helped me understand the stronghold of addiction. One of these days, I'll give you a proper introduction to the lady whose charisma could have catapulted her into the office of presidency of the United States (if only she hadn't inhaled). For now, I'd love you to hear her story. Please read it with your soul.
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Who amongst you can say you have more pets than I?
Here's all my pets. Please note: there are two different rabbits pictured. Harvey is more black in the face, Rooney is more white. The hairless rat is Little Bald, the pig is Bebop, the black cat is Bolt (named before the film of the same name came out, thank you), black rat is Scout, white and grey is Scamper, puppy is Otis, grey cat is Quick, yellow cat is Cat, and Wizzle is the ferret. Not pictured: Donnie the turtle, Harold the crab, and Flutter the recently deceased Beta fish. Top middle: me. Bottom center (not the dog!): Jay, my man.
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Then, when I get in, it's a race to try and avoid entering the restaurant itself. Like a slightly fairer Quasimodo, I've been exiled to the back, and now I like it that way. I'm a food runner. I run food. I like to think that that's pretty pathetic--when I applied there two years ago, I was told that everyone need work up the ladder and had to start at the bottom. Then the manager that hired me got fired, I kept on in that position, and they have since hired folks off the street to work in the position I was supposed to be working towards. Whatever. Now I'm used to the back. The back--or heart of the house--where they curse like sailors, have no patience and are prone to misjugdments, and often strike me as overfull of themselves. But they're funny and they all have this same dogged determination to make something of themselves. Most of them have upwards of $50,000 in student loans and drive used cars, unlike most of the front of house staff, who I sometimes think should be getting served and not serving. I hate entering the restaurant because it seems to signal the official start of the day. People whining about the weather, their food, their bed, their day, their spouse, their sadsack life. Not that I don't care....I just don't care. I usually eat a bagel or yogurt first thing. No, that's not true...usually, first thing, I do a quick check to make sure that, if I were to eat my bagel, would I alsmost instantly be bombarded with tables that would leave me caught with my pants down? I survey what I stocked the night before to ensure that it hasn't been stolen by some troll from room service, check my prep work (butters, ketchups, napkins, cream cheeses, whipped cream, servillettes, "bread folds" and "bread baskets"), and sometimes I put the requisition away...the req' being just our daily order of beverage products that I put away...it usually comes on something the size of a queen mary. For those unfamiliar with a queen mary, it's essentially a giant rolling cart. Then I eat my bagel. Everything bagel. With jam. One side strawberry, one side blackberry. I do this because it helps remind me to a) turn on the toaster, and b) turn on the heatlamps. And c) feed me. I used to get yogurt everyday--vanilla lowfat, like 8 oz, and then cut up a banana inside and mix it up. But one of my lower chefs would always see me cutting up the banana and throw it away, yelling not to eat in the kitchen. Not that I would be eating in the kitchen, but chefs get their panties wadded up about little stuff all the time. One chef chased me down the hall with a cleaver once because I was whistling--I probably would have stopped if I'd known what I was doing that was pissing her off, but she didn't mention it until she caught me by the apron running down the hall. I've had some good times here. There was the time that President Obama stayed with us and I got to pester the secret service guys, who were posted up in the kitchen to ensure we didn't poison the pres. And I got detained briefly that same week for petting the service/bomb sniffing dogs...which i guess really distracts them. This dog's name was Bruce, and although Bruce appeared to be a dog, he was actually an officer of the law, and if I shouldn't pet cops, why on earth should I pet dog cops? There was the time that Jay-Z and Beyonce rented out the ballroom and had this giant chocolate statue made, and I got to eat the leftovers with the rest of the crew. It was huge. And then I wonder why I'm a porker. There was also that time that I was just bringing food out to a table and when I dropped my eggs benedict I was staring at Dan Ackroid (is that how you spell that?). Or Jessica Simpson--who is not, by the way, fat. And her mom is so cute--she looks just like Patty Wyatt, but maybe shorter.
But then there are the bad times. Working 12 hours Christmas, my birthday (which happens to fall on new year's eve), Thanksgiving, Easter and any other psuedo-holiday. No days off for a week some arbitrary week. There's suffering through a semester at school and only receiving off the days that I have class because, hey, why should I get special treatment. There's the days I come in to find that someone has undone all the work I did the night before, and instead of sympathy or help from management, I get rolled eyes and glaring due to whatever tremendous stress they're under. There is, in short, the fact that I work in food service.
I'm graduating college in May, and am trying to choose what school I should give 10,000 dollars or more to. And for some reason, I feel more caught up in whether or not I'll be stuck at my current job then whether or not I should choose this or that university. And, as food places go, this place is really great. Benefits, retirement, paid time off, vacation and sick pay--it's not the company. It's the industry. I feel like a man on a daily basis--I lift nothing that isn't 20 pounds. I can't do my hair, or my nails. I can't wear fun makeup, but I have to wear foundation from the oils in the kitchen that keep my face high school oily (TMI? sorry). I feel frumpy, and I work in one of the nicest places in Scottsdale (well, that's debatable...but for the sake of my argument...) This post has literally no point. I'm just unwinding from my day. I should be doing my spanish homework...I should be making dinner. I should be writing up interview questions. I should maybe walk the pig or empty the litterbox or fold the laundry...or do I need to start a load? I don't want answers from anyone, I don't want to entertain anyone, and I don't want advice. I just want to understand what I'm thinking. Which is...what? That I'm pathetic? Or that I have no clue what I'm really playing at here, going to school with no real idea how I'm going to go about getting where I thought I wanted to go? What did I go to school for again? You know, I have LITERALLY learned nothing in college that I didn't already learn in high school...isn't that a joke? Just how to perform on tests. Speaking of tests...I must excuse myself. I have a spanish test to take.
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I just got off work. "Work", in my case, consists of the following: I arrive just barely beating the clock to punch in. I change into my uniform, which, like the restaurant at The Phoenician itself, has undergone several remodels: it's now a mock black chef coat with black pants (the baggy man-sized ones having been replaced with some Bebe pants, because it's bad enough I'm a chubby bunny, I don't need to look like a dumpy chubby bunny) and a bistro-cut apron (you know, the ones that look like a skirt, kind of) that I always take great pleasure in tying too tight and observing my physique in the mirror sideways, imagining 15 pounds shaved off, before hoisting my hideous purse filled with notes, to-do lists, make-up and sometimes a book that I usually get in trouble for reading. That's the first three minutes of my day.
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Spending quality time with each of our kids individually is always on our “to do” list but it is not something to check off and call it done. We strive to make it a part of life. As our lives are becoming busier, I am finding that a few minutes of individual quality time can be as rewarding, even more so, than planning a day filled of activities and hoopla. I often miss out on those opportunities because I am always going full speed ahead. As a list maker, I spend each day working to check each and every item off of that list, often failing to pause and just breathe and enjoy the day. On my list today, I needed to pick up my packet for Pat’s run and go to the Harkins Movie Theater at Tempe Market Place to purchase Summer movie tickets. On schedule at 8:40 a.m. the baby and I jumped in the car and headed out to our destination. Of course I am a wee bit challenged with directions, so we were in for an adventure from the get go. A few wrong turns and a u-turn later, we arrived at packet pick up. I get out of the car, grab the baby and start walking at my usual quick pace towards the tents. As I’m walking the baby starts saying, “The mountain. Look mommy the mountain.” She continued to go on and on about how “cool” and “big” the mountain was. I paused, for the first time in a long time, I paused. I looked at the mountain and could see the same awe that caught the eye of my toddler. After getting the packets, we took one more glance at the mountain and headed to our next destination. A short drive down the road, we arrived at Tempe Marketplace. At the babies request, I put her in the stroller and we went straight to the Harkins. It took all of five minutes to get to the window and purchase the tickets. As I was swiftly walking back to the car to head home, I looked up and saw a handful of people just sitting around. They looked so relaxed, stress-free, and content. It was then when I realized the weather was gorgeous, making for a beautiful day. I took the stroller back to the car and told the baby we were going for a walk. We walked from the Harkins down to the Barnes and Noble. Obviously, being so early all the stores in between were closed. It was a perfect time to let my rambunctious two-year old walk free down the cobblestone walkway. She had a blast alternating the speed of her pace, from slow as a turtle to quick as a cheetah. She pointed out the flowers, the birds, and giggled at the water features. All things that go unnoticed in my quick get in and get out world. We made our way into the Barnes and Noble and straight to the Starbucks we went. A grande coffee for mommy and a coffee cake for us to share. We sat in the café and at a leisurely pace, enjoyed our treat. I watched as her eyes lit up, in delight, with each and every scrumptious bite. We devoured every single crumb and then headed over to the kids books. I just watched with delight as she ooh and awed over all the books. She finally decided on an Elmo book for me to read. All on her own she choose, Elmo’s Take me Out to the Ball Game. Yes, that would be my girl. I read the book to her and found joy in the silly songs Elmo’s Dad sang to the tune of Take Me Out to The Ball Game and ending with “real” version. I even managed to throw in some love and logic parenting when she refused to put the book away. As I got down on my knees to be at her level, I looked her in the eyes and said, “Kailey, either you put the book away or mommy will put it away for you.” I started to count, “1, 2” and as soon as my mouth started to form the word three, she ran. Oh, well so much for that perfect parenting moment. After I caught her, I implemented parenting plan B: distraction. “Look Kailey, It’s Olivia.” I said, pointing to a stuff animal. She gave up the book and held Olivia. “Okay sweetheart, give her a hug goodbye,” I quickly instructed and we were on our way back. We walked back down our same path towards the Harkins. Again, she marveled in all of the creation around us. Things that day after day I take for granted or don’t even notice. Our walk back was filled with, “Look mommies.” (Flowers, mommy birdies, clouds, color, cool air, people, water, bricks, trees) I kept her pace and even welcomed her adventurous detours. It was a great departure from me normally strapping her in a stroller or pulling her by the hand, eventually just picking her up in frustration of her pace, in order to get from point A to point B as quick as possible. Today was a true blessing. I am privileged to be a stay at home mom and therefore everyday it is just the baby and me together during school hours. Far to often however, I put her on the back burner to accomplish my day to day task or our time together is contrived. Everyday I tell my kids, “shine like stars in the universe.” Not only did I get the pleasure of seeing my baby shine, I watched her sparkle with delight. Today is a day for the memory books and it wasn’t even on my “to do” list. Does this mean I will chuck my list? Nah. This just means that I will add, seeing the world like a two-year old baby girl to it. So I ask you, when was the last time you paused?
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October Walk for Life
